Alright, Let's Just Have It Out...Lauren or Heidi...

Now, I personally can't stand Heidi. That's just me. BUT if you aint with me get out!!!

I'm watching the episode last night and I'm almost feeling bad for Heidi because Lauren is having a great time going to parties, shopping, laughing, loving and narrating...Heidi is busy complaining, being a beggar, pumping them lips and not narrating...

So Spencer and Heidi (don't let Heidi tell you she didn't have anything to do with it!) start this nasty rumor about Lauren and Jason having a "tape"...now whether it was true or not, they started the rumor. We all know they did. It's not like we don't all know that. Please. Then not only did they put the rumor out there, they spread it around and around and around and talked so much junk about Lauren that it ultimately made them look stupid. So now Heidi is all sad because she doesn't have any friends and Spence is getting on her last natural collagen free nerve. She goes and pretty much begs her way back into Audrina's little heart.

All the junk they talked about Heidi, you would think that Audrina would not let Heidi into her circle of trust. I know some people have a problem with not forgiving...I don't. I have had my fair share of make-ups and break-ups but DAMN! No one started a rumor that got into tabloids about me...I know some people think that Lo and Lauren are being mean to Audrina but give me a break. Audrina's bringing back shady Justin Bobby and befriending Heidi...I wouldn't want her around either. It doesn't really matter what they say though because Audrina just stares up into the sky...

Spence is sleeping on his sisters couch, drinking chai bubble drinks at 11am and not doing anything with his life. Heidi and Spencer started the feud and now Heidi wants to reconcile only because she wants to be in the mix again...I say: OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!

*********************************************************************

After further discussion...I have decided to add a little list of things Lauren doesn't have to forgive:

1. The "tape" rumor wasn't just something that their little group heard. It was on the cover of US Weekly!!! HELLO!!!!


2. Spencer and Heidi were talking about it everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I don't mean at lunch and at the mall...they were on Ryan Seacrest and Regis and Kelly and junk!


3. Heidi needs to not mention Lauren ONCE while she's in an interview and MAYBE that would show that she wants to be friends with Lauren...thank you.

Did She Just Say "Blackville"? OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!

I find myself getting excited when I see that a new season of the Real World is about to begin...the drama is just way too good for me to pass up. Right?! I'm not so sure after the second episode of the Real World Hollywood.

As I'm getting introduced to the new cast I'm totally bored. MORE than bored...I'm falling asleep. Of COURSE the girl with the boyfriend is already getting flirty skirty with one of the guys all the while pretending that he likes her and she just doesn't know what to do about it. All in the first three days. There is a stripper, a rapper, and a guy who acts like he doesn't even know why he bothers to be living in the mansion in Hollywood on MTV, a girl who inevitably will spew some racist remarks and act totally oblivious tot he fact that what she is saying is totally inappropriate-like she has lived under a rock for the past 20-something years.

So I'm getting ready to write this season off, Kim and Sarah start talking about how Brianna is a stripper and just doesn't respect herself. I'm not gonna say I don't agree but I knew this was about to get ugly. And when I say ugly I mean gloriously entertaining. They call her into the room and start asking her questions like she's that three-legged baby in India. I'm literally sooooo annoyed. I'm wishing that Brianna wasn't so open because I knew these girls were just WAITING to throw all of the personal information she shared back in her face when...she tells them she got pregnant and had an abortion at 19 and that's when she started stripping. WHAT?! I'm not whating because of the aforementioned circumstances but because I can't wait to see the girls get caught talking about her in the bathroom while she HAPPENS to be standing right outside the door, tying her shoe.

Of course the roomies make their way out to some bar and drink and kiss and kiss and drink. I had no idea that the Real World had a limit of how many people were allowed at the house at once. Was anyone else surprised by this? I was...(was anyone surprised by how many black people they had on this cast? Just asking) So the roomies head back and Brianna wants to bring some music producers into the house-now everyone in L.A. is either a music producer, a movie producer or starting their own clothing line so this makes me laugh.

She gets mad that Kim's lame friends won't leave so that she can "start her career" and then all hell breaks loose. Brianna is pissed and Kim hears her going off about being pissed and then she says,"Brianna, don't get ghetto! Ok?! Don't get ghetto! Be normal!!"

Let me clear my throat...Sometimes Summer has to get "ghetto" and that is the most normal reaction in the world. AND I will say, if I may, that Kimmy Darling was getting quite ghetto herself but I guess in her head that doesn't apply because she doesn't live in Blackville....Oh NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!! Did anyone ELSE notice Kim yelling "Fight me then! Fight me then!" Before Brianna hit the fence (which you all know hurt like a mother)?

Brianna had this look on her face like "Oh no she didn't!" and " I'm gonna cut her-The Wire style!" They are going off and then Kim yells "Go and get back on your stripper pole!" WHAT??!!! Now, she didn't need to say that (out loud) and she really needed to walk away after the ghetto comment...Am I the only one who really wanted Brianna to really show Kim how to get to Blackville? Just asking

You know those people who get a little too comfortable too soon and those people who don't respect you whatsoever so they don't take the time to actually think about what they are saying and don't really care? Yeah, that was Kim. I think my favorite part was when Kim was telling Sarah about what happened and she said something about Blackville and Sarah goes,"I think you should think about what you're saying..."

I don't know where Blackville is but maybe Kim can show me since she knows what people from Blackville are like...

I'm Sorry...

Yall...I got plenty to say!!! Give me like another day and you'll be falling out of your chairs! OR peeing in your pants...hello?

Did I Just Quit Smoking?

Ok, so I've never smoked but I'm assuming letting go of Starbucks is the same as quitting smoking...

You know I'm about to fight somebody right now right? I was fine this morning...

totally fine. Didn't think about it, did miss it. What is it about 3:30 today that is making my skin crawl?!!! If I could bathe in some Starbucks right now, I would. I aint playin yall...It's rough right now...

I like encouragement. Don't get me wrong...I do. But when you want a single venti non-fat 1 extra pump of vanilla upside down caramel macchiatto, there isn't ANY encouragement that's gonna take that craving away...Sorry but an apple does NOT taste like a chocolate muffin.

It has been 15 minutes and I'm alive...

Kanye is My Cousin

"An apocalyptic space opera…a show that carried his braggadocio into the realm of myth itself…This was pure comic-book adventure…But the real message came through those unstoppable images. Glow in the Dark raises the bar for arena tours as no show has since U2's 1992 Zoo TV breakthrough. It's that innovative and galvanizing…the ridiculous, beautiful heights of West's heroics." - Anne Powers (LA Times critic)

DDDDIIIIIZZZZZZAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!

Let Your Haters Be Your Motivators

I don't know why but sometimes I bring out the hater in some people...I don't mean to. It just happens.

I worked with this girl years ago who literally drank Haterade every single morning before she came to work. If I took extra time and actually brushed my hair and ironed my clothes, I knew I was gonna get it. Aint no way I wasn't gonna get it (all you non-believers...)!

The thing that sucked so much was that she was kinda above me and she had to check my work. I would sit there and look over everything like a million times before I gave it to her to check because I totally thought she was lying about the work I gave her. Guess what??!! She was!!! OMG! I started making copies of everything I gave her so that I would have proof that she lied.

So this one day I was over it. I was going into combat! I wasn't gonna take it anymore! I brought her a bagel...I KNOW! I KNOW! That was all talk but dude, this girl was seriously scary. She was soooo nice when we were in a crowd but when it was just she and I, she was gonna kill me...I walk over and hand her the bagel with extra cream cheese:

"What Summer?...I mean, what's this?" She had to flip it real quick. Probably because she was hungry and broke and didn't want me to take the bagel back. I knew I was in there for the day. I went back to my desk after handing her my work. I was feeling good. I knew I wasn't gonna have to deal with her for at least a day. She even sent me an email with a black angel and purple background that said, "Thank God for friends like you!" Wow...so she walks by and I think she's gonna stop at my desk. Why did she throw my work at me and keep walking?! WHAT??!!!! She literally THREW my work at me and didn't even look my way!!!! All the papers flew all over my desk, some on the floor, some knocking over a picture. I was trippin!! As I'm picking up the papers from the floor, she walks into my cube and whispers IN MY EAR, "You're not gonna win this one Summerrrrr..." in a sing-songy voice! SCARY!!! I was so scared! I was SOOOO scared!!!! Someone started telling a joke and she turned around and laughed all hard at it and then turned right back to me and was like, "Do it right next time." WHAT??!! OMG!

This girl wanted me dead. I'm not kidding. NOT kidding! She even lied about having cancer. One day she was like,"I'm going to chemo." Then if you were like,"How are you feeling today?" she'd be like,"WHY??!!! What do you mean how am I feeling?" and when you would remind her that she had cancer, she would be like,"Who has cancer?! I don't have cancer! What are you talking about?!" This girl was nuts and of course she was out for me. She ended up getting fired for doing the same thing to some other girl. I can't make this stuff up.

How We Gon' Get Around On Your Bus Pass?

Did this guy really just try to holler at me while he was waiting for the bus? For real? For realSSS? I walked by him once and I noticed him noticing me so I looked down, pretending to be hella deep in thought...Then when I walked back again (I was running a quick errand) I almost tripped so I HAD to look up and I caught his eye. He's like,"Hey..." With that nasty little grin on his face like, "YES! She looked at me!"...I nodded and kept on about my business...

Is there a book or something about stuff like this? Like "Step 1: don't holler at a girl when she is passing you, standing in line for the M11..." Wait, maybe I should say-don't holler at ME while you're standing at the bus stop...

Step Your Game Up!

If you're a tranny, shouldn't you step your weave game up? Your Lee Press-On nail game? Your MAC Studiofix game up? Come on now.

So I'm at Starbucks...OH HELL! Not THAT one...a different one! I'm getting my half shot, grande caramel frappuccino, JUST half a shot please, handed to me and I'm seeing the Lee Press-Ons falling off, the weave is like Rose Royce-Love Don't Live Here Anymore-and that MAC Studiofix was amazing! I felt like I was watching Rachel Ray ice a chocolate cake yall.

"Maam! MAAM!" OMG! I got so scared because you know my history with trannies...."Yes?" "Did you say you wanted a shot or half a shot?" For those of you who know how much I love my Starbucks and how much I hate this question, brace yourselves...why do they have the little individual boxes that can be written in if they aren't gonna be written in? I do spend like way too much money there to have them ask me the same question that I JUST answered 6 times...But I'm scared so I say in my I'm-so-sweet-please-don't-kill-me voice,"Oh yeah...just a half a shot please..." "You just want one shot? You know I have to charge you for a whole shot." Did he just tell me that he has to charge me for a whole shot? Does he really think $.50 is going to matter at this point? I'm already paying almost $5.00 for this yummy goodness. As I look up to tell him for the 55th time that yes, I only want a half of a shot, I stare into his light blue contacts...WHY ME GOD???!!!! WHY ME???!!!! I start to stutter and I'm trying not to laugh!!! That junk was mesmerizing. I had so many questions: does he know that I know that that isn't really his natural eey color? Does he know that gold Lee Press-Ons and light blue contacts just don't mix? Does he know that he's hypnotizing me with his tranny glory?

Do you know that when he handed me my drink, it had a full shot in there?

I Got Barked At...

So I'm sitting at dinner with about 18 of my closest friends this weekend. We're laughing our heads off (well I'm kinda laughing everyone's heads off) and just having a good time. So we're in kind of a separate room from the main restaurant...someone said something hella funny (probably me...you know I laugh at my own jokes right?) and then I hear "ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff!!!" I look behind me and there is a WHOLE table of scaries looking at me and the lady who barked, barked again! I couldn't believe it but it wasn't my party so I couldn't do what I wanted to do: bark back! I mean, really...who barks anymore?! All just because we were having fun?! Gimme a break! I personally believe that we were their worst nightmare come to life...

There were seriously like 18 of us...black, white, black and white, persian, gorgeous gorgeous and gorgeous. All of us sitting there having the best time ever. Now, I understand that laughing for like 2 hours straight CAN be annoying but maybe they were just jealous that they were having a boring dinner and we weren't.

That made me think about the time that I thought this lady was purposely driving slowly to piss me off: I'm driving down this two-lane, very popular street. This lady in front of me was going sooooooo slow!! I was kinda riding her which makes me wanna die if someone does it to me but hey...So in true Summer fashion, I start honking my horn. Dude, I was totally at my breaking point! This lady was slamming on her brakes, BEFORE I started riding her, for no reason! I'm trippin! Honking my horn and throwing my hands up, totally irate for like no reason. Where did I have to be? I wasn't sure but I KNEW I didn't need to be behind her! We get to the stop light where there are now 4 lanes and I pull up next to her:

"WHY ARE YOU HONKING AT ME??!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU??!!"

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I really going to bat with this lady who wasn't trying to do anything to me??!!! How bad did I feel?! OMG! She kept repeating the same thing like she was about to cry!!!!!

"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU???!!!"

You know what I said? NOTHIN!!! I rolled up my window, whipped around the corner and laughed...only because I was totally embarrassed!!!!

Why did my barking encounter remind me of this lady?

Did That Really Just Happen?

Alright, I wasn't sure if I should share this story because as much as I really don't care, I don't want anyone to stop hanging out with me...

So my mom's best friend's daughter (we'll call her Madison) was visiting my sister and I. She was only like 14 or something but she wanted to come here to see some of the colleges. She's looks at my sister's and I like her older sisters since she's an only child. If I want Starbucks, so does she...even if she's never had it in her life. If I wanna crank dat Souljah Boy in the middle of the mall, she'll get a little hop in her step. All of that admiration went out the window this one night.

So we go to dinner at Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles. My picture is on the wall with Ja Rule so I wanted to show off a bit. In my head, I'm kind of a big deal. They have these drinks called Arnold Palmers and they are a mixture of lemonade and sweet tea. They are huge. I think I had about two throughout dinner. Afterward we were going to hang out with some friends who lived around the corner so I didn't bother to run to the bathroom before we left. Uh yeah, I'm going here....

I'm driving down Peachtree and forget that it is a Saturday and there is hella traffic. I'm getting a little antsy but nothing too major. Nothing I can't handle. We're totally at a stand still and I realize that not only is a show letting out at The Fox but there are also a bunch of people in town for some GA Tech game. Kill me. As I'm sitting there in all this unnecessary traffic, I'm thinking back to those two delicious drinks I had that aren't seeming so delicious anymore. So Madison is totally excited to be out and about (in her head) in Atlanta. I'm growning more and more nervous with every little creep of my tires...

Now, things are starting to get uncomfortable...you know how when you're at a meeting and you're not supposed to laugh but then you start thinking of the funniest thing you have ever heard in your life and there is nothing you can do to stop? That was me. Miami, the ocean, lipgloss (it's shiny and supposed to make your lips look wet), Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Mr. Pibb, Mountain Dew, orange drank, purple drank, Lipton raspberry iced tea, chai tea latte, caramel macchiatto with an extra shot of vanilla, tazo green tea, Capri Sun, mayonnaise, mustard, anything wet...OH GOD WHY DID I DRINK TWO??!!!!

So I start negotiating with myself..."Ok, if you can make it to the bathroom, you will never ever again in your life have to..." Fill in the blank dude. Anything and everything was coming to my mind...Then I start talking to God: "Dear God, I know I cursed yesterday at that lady who was driving too slow the other day BUT I didn't know she was so old and I SWEAR if I did, I would have sat there and exercised one of the greatest virtues: patience..." Nothing!

Traffic is at a serious stand still...my heart is starting to race and I think I'm sweating. "Oh hell! Am I sweating??!!" I'm only thinking this because I don't want Madison to know that I'm starting to panic. She thinks I'm like totally cool and I think it might scar her if I let loose in the car. "Hey, do you know that one song that blah blah blah!!" I swear! I can't hear a thang she's saying! I'm starting to fantasize about this time when I was in Ghana and I was in this village. There weren't any toilets in the whole village except for one. I didn't go to the bathroom for 2 days because I wasn't down to squat. I was taken to the toilet, which was like brown and a bush was LITERALLY growing out of it...I digress...I'm wishing I was back in Ghana, in that village, peeing on the toilet bush...it's just that deep.

I finally see a break in the traffic and I turn down a side street. Madison is starting to notice my erratic driving and she can see that I'm literally about to cry. My body is tingling. I wanna die, that's how bad I had to go!

"Are you ok?"

"Umm...I'm...can you turn up this song please?" (I'm literally whispering this because I'm using all of my energy trying not to pee all over my car seat. I whip down one street and then another...pot holes are taking me to the edge...How about I get to my friend's house and I'm buzzing her to let me in the gate...

"Hi, you've reached..." WHAT THE HELL??!!! Everyone was supposed to meet up at her house! Where is she??!!!

I call like 10 times. Nothing. So I drive down the street hoping to God that the nail shop, which has been closed for like 5 hours is now open with a bathroom that I can use even though I'm not an employee...Just when I'm about to burst into tears, my phone rings.

"Hey sorry! I was in the shower." I don't even say bye. I hang up and speed over there. I can hear every single sound on the street. I can hear cracky getting into a fight over who found the rock first and I can feel the air playing games with me. I was getting cold flashes and it wasn't cute.

BUZZ!!BUZZ!! I whip into the parking lot, run out of the car without turning it off, and start running up the stairs...Now, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing it...with every single step, my leg gets warmer and warmer...

"OH SHI^$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO! OH NO!!! OH NO!!!!" I trippin! I knock on the door and I swear it took a year for anyone to answer. Well, I couldn't wait, I literally peed running down the stairs. I had to give in. I HAD to yall. I get back to the car and Madison looks horrified! I had a trashbag in the trunk that I put down on my seat. I had to tell her what happened. Why did she almost start crying??!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

My phone starts ringing off the hook:

"Where did you go? Weren't you just here? Wait? Where are you?"

"What?! I can't hear you! My phone is breaking up!" What was I supposed to say?! "Oh hey yeah. I just peed on your stairs...see ya after my shower!"??!!!