Alright...sorry y'all...it has been a while. I'm sorry...friends again? Good.
Let me start this off by saying that I think I would handle a masked murderer better than I handle a roach...So I recently moved. As soon as I walked into the kitchen with my U-haul outside, messily stuffed with all of my earthly possessions (David Beckham on the cover of Vanity Fair circa 2004, Posh and Becks on the cover of W Magazine circa 2007, the Vanity Fair with Kimora spilling her guts about Russell and how she isn't scared to beat a "B" down)-you know, all of my earthly possessions...), I see two roaches crawling merrily on the wall. Oh wait, did you just read that? Yeah y'all, 2 ROACHES were chillin on my KITCHEN wall!!! I wanted to die inside and throw my body to the floor crying but I had like 7 people over so that wouldn't turn out well.
I had about 3 weeks of putting my trash in the fridge, living out of my bags (yeah I don't use boxes to move...get there), and just wanting to die everytime I was at home. After a few letters threatening to sue and many many crying fits on the phone to my management office, the roaches were gone. YES! Freedom! I can't even remember what my place was like with those nasty...OMG! I think roaches are God's way of telling me that He knows that I talk mess! OH NO!!!!! That's my punishment??!!! OMG! If that's the case I will NEVER EVER talk about how much I don't like what Mischa Barton has become and how I desperately wish Keisha Cole would stop with that blonde hair and how Khloe Kardashian would really be prettier if she wasn't so mean and immature...OMG!
I digress...I realized on Saturday night that I have officially hit rock bottom. I don't mean the eatery...I mean the bottom of the barrel...the moment when, if you had a mirror, you would look at yourself and say,"What have you become to deserve this?! I told you that thinking that Justin's stock totally went down when he started dating Cameron Diaz wasn't really fair to think and that Rumor Willis really probably didn't get the short end of the stick...She probably does look like her mom circa 1999 pre-Ghost..." I'm talking to my mom...I had a really great day. I'm on my way to pick up something from a friend. Y'all, I'm gonna need you to sit down for a second...Ready?
WHY DID I SEE A ROACH POP HIS NASTY BODY OUT OF THE VENT OF MY CAR????!!!
I think I'm seeing things so I look again. That MOTHER is walking on my dash y'all!!!!!!!!! I HAVE to get a grip before I lose it. I am driving afterall. "Mom...uh...I...uh...I...uhh..hold on..." I guess I hung up the phone. I stopped my car (yes in the middle of the road-you would too if a roach the size of a mini Snickers bar-you know the "fun size" which I think is a crock because wouldn't fun size be like the size of my head?), hopped out but not before grabbing my purse. Sorry but Louis didn't do anything to deserve that. I couldn't leave him behind...I'm standing by my car screaming like I just got car-jacked. Now, I understand that this is LIKE crying wolf but it isn't. I don't care what you say. This was no joke.
The thing about this roach was that it walked out wearing his Kanye West "shutter shades" (that was his swagger at least) like he was on vacation!!! When he saw me, he walked his nasty ass right back into the VENT!!!!! How could I possibly EVER drive that car again knowing (
knowing is the operative) that there was a roach chillin with my coolant?! What do you have to do to have a ROACH crawl out of your vent WHILE you're driving WHILE on the phone with your mom who is in California helplessly waiting for a call back from her hyperventilating daughter who said hold on but really hung up?! All I have ever done is MAYBE openly judge someone who had a Baby Phat purse with matching wallet...that's all...well...this isn't confession!
I realize that I gotta get it back out of the vent and dead like NOW! I turned into straight up MacGyver in like 2 seconds! I saw a water bottle that was previously sharing a seat with Louis, I grabbed it, threw on the vents full blast, Roachy McRoachster stumbled out, I smashed it ON THE DASH!!!!!!!! It fell on the console...I threw the bottle and this napkin that I used to clean the guts out into...uhh...a waiting trash can?...I literally stand outside of the car screaming and jumping around for about 5 straight minutes. Have you ever just screamed and jumped around for FIVE straight minutes??!!! If you haven't, you will if a roach ever crawls out of your vent!
After I can't scream anymore and I'm realizing that I'm kinda dodging cars now, I notice that my phone is blowing up. MOM!!!!!!!!!! She's like,"Summer...was there a roach or something?!" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! I'm telling you guys!!!! I don't do well with roaches!
