Alright, Let's Just Have It Out...Lauren or Heidi...

Now, I personally can't stand Heidi. That's just me. BUT if you aint with me get out!!!

I'm watching the episode last night and I'm almost feeling bad for Heidi because Lauren is having a great time going to parties, shopping, laughing, loving and narrating...Heidi is busy complaining, being a beggar, pumping them lips and not narrating...

So Spencer and Heidi (don't let Heidi tell you she didn't have anything to do with it!) start this nasty rumor about Lauren and Jason having a "tape"...now whether it was true or not, they started the rumor. We all know they did. It's not like we don't all know that. Please. Then not only did they put the rumor out there, they spread it around and around and around and talked so much junk about Lauren that it ultimately made them look stupid. So now Heidi is all sad because she doesn't have any friends and Spence is getting on her last natural collagen free nerve. She goes and pretty much begs her way back into Audrina's little heart.

All the junk they talked about Heidi, you would think that Audrina would not let Heidi into her circle of trust. I know some people have a problem with not forgiving...I don't. I have had my fair share of make-ups and break-ups but DAMN! No one started a rumor that got into tabloids about me...I know some people think that Lo and Lauren are being mean to Audrina but give me a break. Audrina's bringing back shady Justin Bobby and befriending Heidi...I wouldn't want her around either. It doesn't really matter what they say though because Audrina just stares up into the sky...

Spence is sleeping on his sisters couch, drinking chai bubble drinks at 11am and not doing anything with his life. Heidi and Spencer started the feud and now Heidi wants to reconcile only because she wants to be in the mix again...I say: OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!

*********************************************************************

After further discussion...I have decided to add a little list of things Lauren doesn't have to forgive:

1. The "tape" rumor wasn't just something that their little group heard. It was on the cover of US Weekly!!! HELLO!!!!


2. Spencer and Heidi were talking about it everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I don't mean at lunch and at the mall...they were on Ryan Seacrest and Regis and Kelly and junk!


3. Heidi needs to not mention Lauren ONCE while she's in an interview and MAYBE that would show that she wants to be friends with Lauren...thank you.

Did She Just Say "Blackville"? OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!

I find myself getting excited when I see that a new season of the Real World is about to begin...the drama is just way too good for me to pass up. Right?! I'm not so sure after the second episode of the Real World Hollywood.

As I'm getting introduced to the new cast I'm totally bored. MORE than bored...I'm falling asleep. Of COURSE the girl with the boyfriend is already getting flirty skirty with one of the guys all the while pretending that he likes her and she just doesn't know what to do about it. All in the first three days. There is a stripper, a rapper, and a guy who acts like he doesn't even know why he bothers to be living in the mansion in Hollywood on MTV, a girl who inevitably will spew some racist remarks and act totally oblivious tot he fact that what she is saying is totally inappropriate-like she has lived under a rock for the past 20-something years.

So I'm getting ready to write this season off, Kim and Sarah start talking about how Brianna is a stripper and just doesn't respect herself. I'm not gonna say I don't agree but I knew this was about to get ugly. And when I say ugly I mean gloriously entertaining. They call her into the room and start asking her questions like she's that three-legged baby in India. I'm literally sooooo annoyed. I'm wishing that Brianna wasn't so open because I knew these girls were just WAITING to throw all of the personal information she shared back in her face when...she tells them she got pregnant and had an abortion at 19 and that's when she started stripping. WHAT?! I'm not whating because of the aforementioned circumstances but because I can't wait to see the girls get caught talking about her in the bathroom while she HAPPENS to be standing right outside the door, tying her shoe.

Of course the roomies make their way out to some bar and drink and kiss and kiss and drink. I had no idea that the Real World had a limit of how many people were allowed at the house at once. Was anyone else surprised by this? I was...(was anyone surprised by how many black people they had on this cast? Just asking) So the roomies head back and Brianna wants to bring some music producers into the house-now everyone in L.A. is either a music producer, a movie producer or starting their own clothing line so this makes me laugh.

She gets mad that Kim's lame friends won't leave so that she can "start her career" and then all hell breaks loose. Brianna is pissed and Kim hears her going off about being pissed and then she says,"Brianna, don't get ghetto! Ok?! Don't get ghetto! Be normal!!"

Let me clear my throat...Sometimes Summer has to get "ghetto" and that is the most normal reaction in the world. AND I will say, if I may, that Kimmy Darling was getting quite ghetto herself but I guess in her head that doesn't apply because she doesn't live in Blackville....Oh NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!!!!! Did anyone ELSE notice Kim yelling "Fight me then! Fight me then!" Before Brianna hit the fence (which you all know hurt like a mother)?

Brianna had this look on her face like "Oh no she didn't!" and " I'm gonna cut her-The Wire style!" They are going off and then Kim yells "Go and get back on your stripper pole!" WHAT??!!! Now, she didn't need to say that (out loud) and she really needed to walk away after the ghetto comment...Am I the only one who really wanted Brianna to really show Kim how to get to Blackville? Just asking

You know those people who get a little too comfortable too soon and those people who don't respect you whatsoever so they don't take the time to actually think about what they are saying and don't really care? Yeah, that was Kim. I think my favorite part was when Kim was telling Sarah about what happened and she said something about Blackville and Sarah goes,"I think you should think about what you're saying..."

I don't know where Blackville is but maybe Kim can show me since she knows what people from Blackville are like...

I'm Sorry...

Yall...I got plenty to say!!! Give me like another day and you'll be falling out of your chairs! OR peeing in your pants...hello?

Did I Just Quit Smoking?

Ok, so I've never smoked but I'm assuming letting go of Starbucks is the same as quitting smoking...

You know I'm about to fight somebody right now right? I was fine this morning...

totally fine. Didn't think about it, did miss it. What is it about 3:30 today that is making my skin crawl?!!! If I could bathe in some Starbucks right now, I would. I aint playin yall...It's rough right now...

I like encouragement. Don't get me wrong...I do. But when you want a single venti non-fat 1 extra pump of vanilla upside down caramel macchiatto, there isn't ANY encouragement that's gonna take that craving away...Sorry but an apple does NOT taste like a chocolate muffin.

It has been 15 minutes and I'm alive...

Kanye is My Cousin

"An apocalyptic space opera…a show that carried his braggadocio into the realm of myth itself…This was pure comic-book adventure…But the real message came through those unstoppable images. Glow in the Dark raises the bar for arena tours as no show has since U2's 1992 Zoo TV breakthrough. It's that innovative and galvanizing…the ridiculous, beautiful heights of West's heroics." - Anne Powers (LA Times critic)

DDDDIIIIIZZZZZZAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!

Let Your Haters Be Your Motivators

I don't know why but sometimes I bring out the hater in some people...I don't mean to. It just happens.

I worked with this girl years ago who literally drank Haterade every single morning before she came to work. If I took extra time and actually brushed my hair and ironed my clothes, I knew I was gonna get it. Aint no way I wasn't gonna get it (all you non-believers...)!

The thing that sucked so much was that she was kinda above me and she had to check my work. I would sit there and look over everything like a million times before I gave it to her to check because I totally thought she was lying about the work I gave her. Guess what??!! She was!!! OMG! I started making copies of everything I gave her so that I would have proof that she lied.

So this one day I was over it. I was going into combat! I wasn't gonna take it anymore! I brought her a bagel...I KNOW! I KNOW! That was all talk but dude, this girl was seriously scary. She was soooo nice when we were in a crowd but when it was just she and I, she was gonna kill me...I walk over and hand her the bagel with extra cream cheese:

"What Summer?...I mean, what's this?" She had to flip it real quick. Probably because she was hungry and broke and didn't want me to take the bagel back. I knew I was in there for the day. I went back to my desk after handing her my work. I was feeling good. I knew I wasn't gonna have to deal with her for at least a day. She even sent me an email with a black angel and purple background that said, "Thank God for friends like you!" Wow...so she walks by and I think she's gonna stop at my desk. Why did she throw my work at me and keep walking?! WHAT??!!!! She literally THREW my work at me and didn't even look my way!!!! All the papers flew all over my desk, some on the floor, some knocking over a picture. I was trippin!! As I'm picking up the papers from the floor, she walks into my cube and whispers IN MY EAR, "You're not gonna win this one Summerrrrr..." in a sing-songy voice! SCARY!!! I was so scared! I was SOOOO scared!!!! Someone started telling a joke and she turned around and laughed all hard at it and then turned right back to me and was like, "Do it right next time." WHAT??!! OMG!

This girl wanted me dead. I'm not kidding. NOT kidding! She even lied about having cancer. One day she was like,"I'm going to chemo." Then if you were like,"How are you feeling today?" she'd be like,"WHY??!!! What do you mean how am I feeling?" and when you would remind her that she had cancer, she would be like,"Who has cancer?! I don't have cancer! What are you talking about?!" This girl was nuts and of course she was out for me. She ended up getting fired for doing the same thing to some other girl. I can't make this stuff up.

How We Gon' Get Around On Your Bus Pass?

Did this guy really just try to holler at me while he was waiting for the bus? For real? For realSSS? I walked by him once and I noticed him noticing me so I looked down, pretending to be hella deep in thought...Then when I walked back again (I was running a quick errand) I almost tripped so I HAD to look up and I caught his eye. He's like,"Hey..." With that nasty little grin on his face like, "YES! She looked at me!"...I nodded and kept on about my business...

Is there a book or something about stuff like this? Like "Step 1: don't holler at a girl when she is passing you, standing in line for the M11..." Wait, maybe I should say-don't holler at ME while you're standing at the bus stop...

Step Your Game Up!

If you're a tranny, shouldn't you step your weave game up? Your Lee Press-On nail game? Your MAC Studiofix game up? Come on now.

So I'm at Starbucks...OH HELL! Not THAT one...a different one! I'm getting my half shot, grande caramel frappuccino, JUST half a shot please, handed to me and I'm seeing the Lee Press-Ons falling off, the weave is like Rose Royce-Love Don't Live Here Anymore-and that MAC Studiofix was amazing! I felt like I was watching Rachel Ray ice a chocolate cake yall.

"Maam! MAAM!" OMG! I got so scared because you know my history with trannies...."Yes?" "Did you say you wanted a shot or half a shot?" For those of you who know how much I love my Starbucks and how much I hate this question, brace yourselves...why do they have the little individual boxes that can be written in if they aren't gonna be written in? I do spend like way too much money there to have them ask me the same question that I JUST answered 6 times...But I'm scared so I say in my I'm-so-sweet-please-don't-kill-me voice,"Oh yeah...just a half a shot please..." "You just want one shot? You know I have to charge you for a whole shot." Did he just tell me that he has to charge me for a whole shot? Does he really think $.50 is going to matter at this point? I'm already paying almost $5.00 for this yummy goodness. As I look up to tell him for the 55th time that yes, I only want a half of a shot, I stare into his light blue contacts...WHY ME GOD???!!!! WHY ME???!!!! I start to stutter and I'm trying not to laugh!!! That junk was mesmerizing. I had so many questions: does he know that I know that that isn't really his natural eey color? Does he know that gold Lee Press-Ons and light blue contacts just don't mix? Does he know that he's hypnotizing me with his tranny glory?

Do you know that when he handed me my drink, it had a full shot in there?

I Got Barked At...

So I'm sitting at dinner with about 18 of my closest friends this weekend. We're laughing our heads off (well I'm kinda laughing everyone's heads off) and just having a good time. So we're in kind of a separate room from the main restaurant...someone said something hella funny (probably me...you know I laugh at my own jokes right?) and then I hear "ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff!!!" I look behind me and there is a WHOLE table of scaries looking at me and the lady who barked, barked again! I couldn't believe it but it wasn't my party so I couldn't do what I wanted to do: bark back! I mean, really...who barks anymore?! All just because we were having fun?! Gimme a break! I personally believe that we were their worst nightmare come to life...

There were seriously like 18 of us...black, white, black and white, persian, gorgeous gorgeous and gorgeous. All of us sitting there having the best time ever. Now, I understand that laughing for like 2 hours straight CAN be annoying but maybe they were just jealous that they were having a boring dinner and we weren't.

That made me think about the time that I thought this lady was purposely driving slowly to piss me off: I'm driving down this two-lane, very popular street. This lady in front of me was going sooooooo slow!! I was kinda riding her which makes me wanna die if someone does it to me but hey...So in true Summer fashion, I start honking my horn. Dude, I was totally at my breaking point! This lady was slamming on her brakes, BEFORE I started riding her, for no reason! I'm trippin! Honking my horn and throwing my hands up, totally irate for like no reason. Where did I have to be? I wasn't sure but I KNEW I didn't need to be behind her! We get to the stop light where there are now 4 lanes and I pull up next to her:

"WHY ARE YOU HONKING AT ME??!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU??!!"

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was I really going to bat with this lady who wasn't trying to do anything to me??!!! How bad did I feel?! OMG! She kept repeating the same thing like she was about to cry!!!!!

"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU???!!!"

You know what I said? NOTHIN!!! I rolled up my window, whipped around the corner and laughed...only because I was totally embarrassed!!!!

Why did my barking encounter remind me of this lady?

Did That Really Just Happen?

Alright, I wasn't sure if I should share this story because as much as I really don't care, I don't want anyone to stop hanging out with me...

So my mom's best friend's daughter (we'll call her Madison) was visiting my sister and I. She was only like 14 or something but she wanted to come here to see some of the colleges. She's looks at my sister's and I like her older sisters since she's an only child. If I want Starbucks, so does she...even if she's never had it in her life. If I wanna crank dat Souljah Boy in the middle of the mall, she'll get a little hop in her step. All of that admiration went out the window this one night.

So we go to dinner at Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles. My picture is on the wall with Ja Rule so I wanted to show off a bit. In my head, I'm kind of a big deal. They have these drinks called Arnold Palmers and they are a mixture of lemonade and sweet tea. They are huge. I think I had about two throughout dinner. Afterward we were going to hang out with some friends who lived around the corner so I didn't bother to run to the bathroom before we left. Uh yeah, I'm going here....

I'm driving down Peachtree and forget that it is a Saturday and there is hella traffic. I'm getting a little antsy but nothing too major. Nothing I can't handle. We're totally at a stand still and I realize that not only is a show letting out at The Fox but there are also a bunch of people in town for some GA Tech game. Kill me. As I'm sitting there in all this unnecessary traffic, I'm thinking back to those two delicious drinks I had that aren't seeming so delicious anymore. So Madison is totally excited to be out and about (in her head) in Atlanta. I'm growning more and more nervous with every little creep of my tires...

Now, things are starting to get uncomfortable...you know how when you're at a meeting and you're not supposed to laugh but then you start thinking of the funniest thing you have ever heard in your life and there is nothing you can do to stop? That was me. Miami, the ocean, lipgloss (it's shiny and supposed to make your lips look wet), Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Mr. Pibb, Mountain Dew, orange drank, purple drank, Lipton raspberry iced tea, chai tea latte, caramel macchiatto with an extra shot of vanilla, tazo green tea, Capri Sun, mayonnaise, mustard, anything wet...OH GOD WHY DID I DRINK TWO??!!!!

So I start negotiating with myself..."Ok, if you can make it to the bathroom, you will never ever again in your life have to..." Fill in the blank dude. Anything and everything was coming to my mind...Then I start talking to God: "Dear God, I know I cursed yesterday at that lady who was driving too slow the other day BUT I didn't know she was so old and I SWEAR if I did, I would have sat there and exercised one of the greatest virtues: patience..." Nothing!

Traffic is at a serious stand still...my heart is starting to race and I think I'm sweating. "Oh hell! Am I sweating??!!" I'm only thinking this because I don't want Madison to know that I'm starting to panic. She thinks I'm like totally cool and I think it might scar her if I let loose in the car. "Hey, do you know that one song that blah blah blah!!" I swear! I can't hear a thang she's saying! I'm starting to fantasize about this time when I was in Ghana and I was in this village. There weren't any toilets in the whole village except for one. I didn't go to the bathroom for 2 days because I wasn't down to squat. I was taken to the toilet, which was like brown and a bush was LITERALLY growing out of it...I digress...I'm wishing I was back in Ghana, in that village, peeing on the toilet bush...it's just that deep.

I finally see a break in the traffic and I turn down a side street. Madison is starting to notice my erratic driving and she can see that I'm literally about to cry. My body is tingling. I wanna die, that's how bad I had to go!

"Are you ok?"

"Umm...I'm...can you turn up this song please?" (I'm literally whispering this because I'm using all of my energy trying not to pee all over my car seat. I whip down one street and then another...pot holes are taking me to the edge...How about I get to my friend's house and I'm buzzing her to let me in the gate...

"Hi, you've reached..." WHAT THE HELL??!!! Everyone was supposed to meet up at her house! Where is she??!!!

I call like 10 times. Nothing. So I drive down the street hoping to God that the nail shop, which has been closed for like 5 hours is now open with a bathroom that I can use even though I'm not an employee...Just when I'm about to burst into tears, my phone rings.

"Hey sorry! I was in the shower." I don't even say bye. I hang up and speed over there. I can hear every single sound on the street. I can hear cracky getting into a fight over who found the rock first and I can feel the air playing games with me. I was getting cold flashes and it wasn't cute.

BUZZ!!BUZZ!! I whip into the parking lot, run out of the car without turning it off, and start running up the stairs...Now, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing it...with every single step, my leg gets warmer and warmer...

"OH SHI^$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO! OH NO!!! OH NO!!!!" I trippin! I knock on the door and I swear it took a year for anyone to answer. Well, I couldn't wait, I literally peed running down the stairs. I had to give in. I HAD to yall. I get back to the car and Madison looks horrified! I had a trashbag in the trunk that I put down on my seat. I had to tell her what happened. Why did she almost start crying??!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

My phone starts ringing off the hook:

"Where did you go? Weren't you just here? Wait? Where are you?"

"What?! I can't hear you! My phone is breaking up!" What was I supposed to say?! "Oh hey yeah. I just peed on your stairs...see ya after my shower!"??!!!

Why Am I Awake?

Lately I've been hit with a spell of insomnia. I'm not really feelin it. I, personally, would like to go to sleep when I lay my head down on my pillows...The decision to actually get up and get on the computer is always a difficult one because that means I'm giving in to my sleeplessness... I know some of you are thinking that maybe this has to do with my gorgeously long naps that I take daily after work, WRONG! I have been taking those for years and I can always fall asleep. What to do? What to do? Let's see what we can find on Myspace shall we?

Ohhhhh Aubrey O'Day from Danity Kane...I love her. I want to hate her all day long but then I see her Weave-O-Plenty and my heart smiles. Literally, she has more hair on her head than homegirl/homeboy at Starbucks. Why am I ALWAYS waiting for Diddy to kick her out of the group? Dude, did you see the Making the Band season finale when Sway asked if Diddy had ever exhibited "bitchassness"? OMG! Of course Aubrey opens up her heavily glossed lips and talks about Diddy having a case of bitchassness when he wouldn't let them do their album the way they wanted...Now, I know I'm not one to hold my tongue but I think Diddy would be the ONE person who could make me...He's like,"HAHAH! (whispers) We'll address that later..." Did anyone see Aubrey's face?! I guess she thought MTV was gonna save her. Not this time sister!

Remember in the first season when she was like,"Yo Yo Yo! Where my money making brothas at?!! Are yall here?!" Oh God!!!! I was so scared! I felt like I was about to get clowned! So I sat back with my Starbucks and magazines (for comfort) and watched in horror as Diddy told her not to talk like a black guy. AWKWARD! But she just keeps on keepin so I have to watch and pray that she says something else totally inappropriate so I can text everyone: "OMG! Are you watching this?!" Then I rewind it 6 times and cringe more and more...

Really?

I now present to you the cover for Lil Wayne's new album. I love this. I love this so much. I can't even explain it. I mean, how did this cute little baby sit so still for all of those tattoos? ;)

Immature or Immature...Who Cares?

I'm just gonna start this off by saying that Myspace is a beast.

Last year I was doing my daily people search (don't front! You know you've done it too!) and I "happened upon" my ex...get ready yall...it's about to be a good one...

Well, see, things didn't end happily. Let's just say our relationship ended with a crow bar, another girl and a bunch of lies. It was ridiculously traumatic and my poor little heart was broken. Fast forward like 5 years and we're back at Myspace. I see him, frontin like he's cool and whatever. Nothing too special about his page. Some dumb red devil graphics and all these apparently deep quotes. I was already bored. Then I looked over at his blogs. Why did he have a blog on his page called "This Ex of Mine"? I click on it and it's BLOCKED! I struggled with why I wanted to read it so badly. Who cares?! OMG! Now I HAVE to read it! I clicked on all of his other dumb blogs and they are all public. Feeling defeated yet slightly satisfied that he wasn't doing anything in his life, I called one of my friends and told her that I found him and about his dumb blog.

"Guess who I found today?"

"OMG! Ok, this is fun...umm...that girl from high school who..."

"Dude, I found Mark* (*names have been changed to protect the inn-wait, he wasn't innocent!)"

"What?! Ok so what's going on? Is he married? Does he have 100 kids? What?"

"Well, he's still a total loser BUT he has this blog that I wanna read but you can only read it if you're one of his friends."

"So what's the problem?"

"What do you mean?"

"Hello! Fake Myspace page!!!"

Now, I can see those judgmental eyes rolling around in those judgemental heads. Let's just hold the judgment until the end of the story. Thanks.

Of course I pretend that I just couldn't do something like that. It's sooo immature and blah blah blah. How about I get a call a few hours later:

"Ok, it's done. Now, I made the page and the girl now has 11 friends. Send him a friend request!"

Loves it! Not gonna lie! I go to the page and it's purple and black, Angelina Jolie is like the main picture and Fergie's "London Bridge" is playing. SOOO classic. "I" send a friend request and go about my business. The next morning I check this girl's Myspace email...We're in! Let's call this girl umm...Julie (why am I playin?! That's what we called her). I go into the blog, copy and paste it, email it to a few friends just in case something ever happened to my computer and I was the only person who had a copy...please, I just wanted everyone to see it. So it's about some girl that he was dating and how he was pretty much playing her. It totally brought me back to 5 years ago, standing in the living room catching this loser...

"Dear Mark, does this mean you're single?" Wait, what? Did I really just send my ex an email pretending to be this Julie girl? YUP! Why did he write me back like instantly?! No really.

"Hey Julie, yeah I'm single. I'm looking at your 'about me' section and there isn't anything there. Tell me about yourself." What? Really? He's like 30 and Julie is like 23. I send our correspondence to my friend and she's like, "What are you doing?" How do I answer that? "Umm...I'm pretending to be this dumb girl in hopes of humiliating him in the near future?" I mean, really. He sends "me" another email asking me for a copy of my Black Eyed Peas cd. I'm thinking, "I KNOW he's not about to set up a date! I KNOW he isn't!" Why did he ask "me" out to lunch? AND he wanted to go the very next day!!! WHAT?!

So I accepted...what did I tell you about those judgmental eyes?!

We were set to have lunch at a burrito place at 11:30 the next day. I was loving the fact that he was going to show up and get stood up by some 23 year old he met on Myspace. I tell one of my friends thinking it was sooo brilliant and THEN she ups the anti by saying:

"This is too good. Someone has to see this!"

"What are you doing at 11:30?"

"Eating at *blank* burrito place!"

Please tell me she just said that!!! HAHAHA!

She calls me when she gets there and I'm describing what he looks like to her. We get off the phone and 5 minutes later I get a text: the eagle has landed...

I can't even explain how hilarious this was to me. I mean, I did spend endless hours crying about him and finding out all sorts of things he told me were lies. So he like totally deserved it! What's a little Myspace lunch? ;) I'm getting a play-by-play:

"Ok, he's sitting at the bar and every time someone walks in he perks up....But then he sinks back into his stool when he realizes it's not her! HAHAHAHAHA!" I'm simultaneously sending an email to my friend(s) who I would love to share in the joy. "He's getting on his Blackberry...check "your" messages!"

"I" get a message from him FRONTING! "Hey Julie, it's Mark...here's my number if you ever want to give me a call." Oh really? Please!

He stays there for 45 minutes! 45 minutes dog! Can anyone hear me?! He sat at this place for 45 minutes waiting for a 23 year old girl he "met" on Myspace to show up! This was nothing but pure unadulterated glory.

My spies left after 45 minutes and he was still there when he left. "I" emailed him and told him I forgot all about our lunch date. He wanted to reschedule...I deleted the page. Wait, my friend actually deleted the page because I knew I couldn't do it. It was too good!

So, now here come the judgmental eyes...listen, I know that setting up a fake Myspace page and setting up a fake date all in the hopes of humiliating this jerk is immature...But so is cheating on your girlfriend ;)

Drop It Like Its Hot?

So I'm sitting here listening to like my favorite song like ever (well until Lil Wayne releases another song just as smashing)- Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" and I'm like dancing in my living room...HARD.

"Back it up and stop/Drop the *****/Drop it like it's hot"

Why did I get a picture of me holding a hot pan and then dropping it because it's too hot? Now, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Weezy was talking about but I mean, where does that phrase come from? So I'm out on Thursday night and this song comes on...Everyone gets ready to bring home the bacon and I'm not gonna lie, I WANTED to drop it like it was hot but I only dropped like it was kinda warm. Mama can't drop it and not pick it right back up!

A Few Hours Without a New Post?! Where Have I Been?!

Jealous! Yeah man, this will be blog number 9...all in one day. I love this junk!

What would happen if you could blog on Facebook while watching newscasters run from roaches on Youtube all while drinking Starbucks with The Hills in the background? Wait, I just got excited!

The Doorbell

How about I'm asleep all cozy in my bed a few months ago when I wake up to the doorbell ringing. I was having a dream that I was at the airport and you know how there is a ding dong right before they make an announcement? Well, it did in my dream. Once I realized that it wasn't my dream and someone outside my door trying to kill me, I freaked.

It was 3am...who the HECK is at my door at 3am?! I mean for real! So I hop up and think of my escape plan...I don't have one. I call 911 (so serious) and I'm instantly balling.

"911 what's your emergency?"

"Someone is ringing my doorbell!!! (whispers)"

"Ok maam, did you look out the peephole?" Ok, now that, to me, is the DUMBEST thing ever! I mean, I'm "safe" in my room with my door locked. WHY would I look out the peephole so that I could get shot in the eye when the murderer sees that I can see him?! Not me jack! Not today!

PLEASE! So anyway, so I'm shaking, crying, trippin. I realize that this is what people go through right before a home invasion (or a murder). I'm looking around my room for a weapon. I saw some books...dumb...I then saw this vase. That sounds dumb too right? WRONG! It's heavy and thick so I was going to use it to push my attacker out of the way and then I was going to make a run for the door. I know, so smart! (haters)

So the 911 operator hangs up. I still don't know why but I was seriously petrified. This is the most scared I have ever been in my life. No kidding. Well, when I was little, I was on a dinosaur egg hunt at Bosch and some genius put the watermelons, I mean eggs, on a bee hive and they were seriously trying to kill us. I ran like there were free jellies at the end of the road!

I called 911 back and they are like, "Maam? Did something happen to make you call back?" WHAT?! I was like,"Why did you hang up?! I'm scared!" Like a little baby girl...all of the sudden I hear all these doors closing. I'm like,"Is that the police?!" "I believe so." I believe so?! What a hack! I'm sitting up here crying my life away and he tells me he believes the police are outside?! I'm gonna need some confirmation on that one. He confirms.

I run out of my room to open the door. Let me just set this picture: I had been awake for about 15 minutes, my hair was all over the place, my shirt was soaking wet from my tears and the doorbell was STILL ringing... I open up the door, tears streaming down my face. There are 3 police officers outside. They look stunned. Literally. Why was the officer like, "we fixed your doorbell." Did he just say he fixed my doorbell?!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA! He's like, "I just mashed it to the side...Maybe a bird hit it." My place was inside of a building so no bird was flying around in there. I'm like, "OMG! Thank you so much! I don't know...maybe I watch too much tv. I'm just scared because (whispers) I'm alone..." If there was in fact a murderer, I wasn't gonna say I was alone so that he could hear me! Because you know murderers hide under the stairs...

I know it seems so dramatic and silly but I'm alive aint I?!

Michael Vick

Is it too early in my blogging days to talk about this? Just let me know...

Ok, all I have to say is...jail time? Just asking! Calm down! I LOVE animals! But do I love them enough to send someone to jail? JUST ASKING! I'm not like agreeing with what he did (or the judge)!! Seriously, I'll walk any dog any day...

Is it Bad?...

...To feel like one day I'm going to run into David Banner and marry him? No really. I wish I was kidding. I'm like so serious.

If you can forgive him in "Black Snake Moan" then you'll understand (maybe) where I'm coming from. I mean, he has Mississippi tattooed across his back....haters

McDonalds...

Wow! I didn't realize I had SOO much to say!

Question: Why do you have to ask for ketchup at McDonald's? For all of you who are pretending to not eat there, get over it...

So I'm in the drive-thru the other day and of course I ask for ketchup...totally annoyed. Why did the lady tell me that they were out of ketchup? No really. Out of ketchup?! Only in Atlanta dude.

I went to KFC once and I start ordering and the lady is like,"We don't have any drumsticks." So I'm like,"Ok I'l haaavvveeee...." Why was she like,"Maam, we don't have any chicken." Don't have any chicken?! What does that mean?! You don't have any chicken at KFC?! Now McDonald's doesn't have any ketchup?!

Did They or Didn't They?

Did Beyonce and Jay Z get married? Who cares?

I do!!!! OMG! I SOOO want to see what she looked like in a wedding dress! I'm actually really happy that they haven't confirmed it. See, they have never confirmed their relationship so if they came out and confirmed their marriage, I would think it was a hoax (yup! hoax)...

That One Was Long...

I know that last one was long BUT it was worth it right? Good.

...You Think I'm Kidding

Why does this story end in murder?

So, a while back I was a little more vocal with strangers. I had no problem with saying something if someone cut in front of me in a line, if my Starbucks wasn't right (well I still say something about that). I wasn't really nice about it either. Until ooonnnnneeee day back in 2001...

I'm sitting at Starbucks with one of my girls. The music was broken so our giggles carried a lot. I'm cracking dumb little jokes and we're giggling. Laughing and giggling, two totally different things. After about 15 minutes of straight up giggling, this lady turns around and she starts rolling her eyes. The rolling of the eyes didn't bother me so much...it was the smacking of the lips that had me going. So I stop in the middle of joke #130,000,098 and look at her and say,"Maam, I'm sorry but are we bothering you?" What happened next, I can't make up...

"Well obviously you're bothering me! Maybe if you weren't so stupid you would know that you're obviously bothering me!"

We were in SHOCK. We started laughing and started to whisper. Well, the whispers turned into inside voices and then the inside voices turned into outside voices and next thing I know, we were right back to giggling! So I see homegirl turning around, I can hear her smacking her lips AND THEN I see her pointing to us while talking to some guy about how "stupid" we were. Let me give a little bit of background: I have three sisters and if you wanna win a fight, don't yell. Antagonize the life out of the other person and you are the reigning champ!

So I look at her and I say,"Maam, I'm sorry but are we still bothering you?"

"Maybe if you weren't so STUPID then you would realize that you're obviously bothering me!

Maybe you guys should go outside and play in your playpen! If you weren't so STUPID..." She continues. ..My friend and I are speechless, well I wasn't speechless...I was just waiting for her to finish. I then say to her: "Maam, we're just happy. So soon after September 11, you should be happy to see people laughing!"

"Well maybe if you weren't so STUPID...!!!!!" Oh really? Now it was time to go in for the kill:

"Maam, I'm sorry. All I hear is wah wah wah!" She stops. Almost shocked kinda. She turns around and we start laughing. (I know...I know)

So my friend goes to the bathroom and while she's in there, the lady gets up and goes outside onto the patio. My friend comes back and wants to leave because it's kinda uncomfortable. Really? So we're walking out and I notice that lady coming around the building to meet up with us. Well, we couldn't stop because then we would look like we were scared and we didn't want to draw attention to that. We get outside, she's right behind us, I say to my friend, "is she following us?" My friend then turns around and says, "Umm...are you following us?!"

Now, I didn't recall her being this tall. She was noticeably taller when she was all up in our mouth. We're going back and forth:

Me: "This isn't a library!"

Her: "You're an embarrassment to the race!" (WHAT?!)

Back and forth and back and forth...I stopped for a second and let my friend take over when all of the sudden, I start to notice a few odd things:

1. Her make-up was gorgeous. Flawless. Better than mine.

2. She was wearing scrunch socks.

3. She was wearing long, denim shorts with hightop Reeboks...

My thought process went like this: Now, her make-up is hella nice so why would she not know that she's ruining her life by wearing long denim shorts and slouch socks?! Why is she wearing a hoodie from some random college with her make-up looking so gorgeous? Then I realize that I'm not starting mess with a woman...IT'S A MAN!!!!!!!!!!! I come to this realization JUST in time! She looks and my friend and I with the crazy eye and then she proceeds to PUNCH US BOTH IN THE FACE!!!!!!!

Let me write that again: HOMEGIRL PUNCHED US BOTH in the face at the same time! Well, she punched my hair because I was one step ahead but she clocked my friend. I look at my friend and told her to get to the car. I don't wanna say,"Let's get outta here!! It's a man!" Because you can't call a transvestite out...read the rule book... it's in there. I cross in front of my friend just KNOWING that this guy is right behind me. I don't have power locks so I'm kinda out of luck with the doors. I'm waiting to get snatched back by my hair. I'm soo scared. I unlock my door, hop in (without shutting) and I see out of the corner of my eye my friend get kicked in the thigh and fall to the ground. The only thing I can think: jokes aint gonna help you now!

I run over screaming,"What are you doing?! Stop!" Stop? Really? Is that all I can think of? I'm cracking some funnies inside and now when it really matters all I can think of is STOP!?? Anywho, I run over, snatch my friend up before she gets a foot to the dome and she drops her purse. He picks it up and is like,"What?! What now?! WHAT?! What now?!" My friend is trippin, yelling and screaming. I'm in the middle and I'm like,"We're SORRY!" We're sorry?! Really? Is that all I'm coming up with? He starts taking off his bracelets, rings and seriously I SWEAR he was about to put his hair in a ponytail. I've never really been in a fight before but I knew the signs. He's going off while taking off another piece of jewelry with each word. "You (ring) disrespected (bracelet) me (ring) in (ring) there (bracelet)!" I'm trippin. I'm just waiting to get socked in the face. He throws her purse in the bushes, she's screaming. I have to put my friend in the car because she's so mad. I grab the purse, get in the car and call 911. Why didn't I drive away? So my friend calls a friend, apparently to come down there and help us continue the fight? So I'm like,"Hello?! Ok so this man.." My friend: "A man?" She still didn't know!

He's walking up and down the side of the car, I pull out so that he doesn't kill us and he gets in front of the car and pretends to pull out a gun. My friend screams "Run her over!" Run her over?! Really? See, this is how all the stories on 48 Hours begin..."it was 9pm at the local Starbucks..." not me.

Why did 911 ask us to follow him in our car? Yeah, I did until he started running red lights...so the police come and my friend wants to press charges. Why? A few days later she is looking at some mug shots when she comes across Marco......OMG!!! I get a call from the police department. I call back and I get the voicemail: "Hi this is Detective So and So with the Atlanta Homicide Unit." Did he say homicide?! Naturally, I didn't leave a message. How about the police go to his house and he had FLED in the middle of the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moral of the story: you never know who you're messing with. If you gotta tell a joke that bad, do it at home ;)

Alright, Fine...

Now, I really think I'm going to regret this...I'm gonna give it a week (and a half)...as soon as I get into trouble for something I write here, I'm done son!

I don't really know what to talk about (yeah right) so I think I'm going to just start with some classic stories that pretty much have everyone saying,"Oh no she didn't!" (Was that cheesy? I LOVE IT!)

As soon as this gets boring (yeah right) let me know (keep it to yourself!) and I'll end this nonsense (good time)...