...You Think I'm Kidding

Why does this story end in murder?

So, a while back I was a little more vocal with strangers. I had no problem with saying something if someone cut in front of me in a line, if my Starbucks wasn't right (well I still say something about that). I wasn't really nice about it either. Until ooonnnnneeee day back in 2001...

I'm sitting at Starbucks with one of my girls. The music was broken so our giggles carried a lot. I'm cracking dumb little jokes and we're giggling. Laughing and giggling, two totally different things. After about 15 minutes of straight up giggling, this lady turns around and she starts rolling her eyes. The rolling of the eyes didn't bother me so much...it was the smacking of the lips that had me going. So I stop in the middle of joke #130,000,098 and look at her and say,"Maam, I'm sorry but are we bothering you?" What happened next, I can't make up...

"Well obviously you're bothering me! Maybe if you weren't so stupid you would know that you're obviously bothering me!"

We were in SHOCK. We started laughing and started to whisper. Well, the whispers turned into inside voices and then the inside voices turned into outside voices and next thing I know, we were right back to giggling! So I see homegirl turning around, I can hear her smacking her lips AND THEN I see her pointing to us while talking to some guy about how "stupid" we were. Let me give a little bit of background: I have three sisters and if you wanna win a fight, don't yell. Antagonize the life out of the other person and you are the reigning champ!

So I look at her and I say,"Maam, I'm sorry but are we still bothering you?"

"Maybe if you weren't so STUPID then you would realize that you're obviously bothering me!

Maybe you guys should go outside and play in your playpen! If you weren't so STUPID..." She continues. ..My friend and I are speechless, well I wasn't speechless...I was just waiting for her to finish. I then say to her: "Maam, we're just happy. So soon after September 11, you should be happy to see people laughing!"

"Well maybe if you weren't so STUPID...!!!!!" Oh really? Now it was time to go in for the kill:

"Maam, I'm sorry. All I hear is wah wah wah!" She stops. Almost shocked kinda. She turns around and we start laughing. (I know...I know)

So my friend goes to the bathroom and while she's in there, the lady gets up and goes outside onto the patio. My friend comes back and wants to leave because it's kinda uncomfortable. Really? So we're walking out and I notice that lady coming around the building to meet up with us. Well, we couldn't stop because then we would look like we were scared and we didn't want to draw attention to that. We get outside, she's right behind us, I say to my friend, "is she following us?" My friend then turns around and says, "Umm...are you following us?!"

Now, I didn't recall her being this tall. She was noticeably taller when she was all up in our mouth. We're going back and forth:

Me: "This isn't a library!"

Her: "You're an embarrassment to the race!" (WHAT?!)

Back and forth and back and forth...I stopped for a second and let my friend take over when all of the sudden, I start to notice a few odd things:

1. Her make-up was gorgeous. Flawless. Better than mine.

2. She was wearing scrunch socks.

3. She was wearing long, denim shorts with hightop Reeboks...

My thought process went like this: Now, her make-up is hella nice so why would she not know that she's ruining her life by wearing long denim shorts and slouch socks?! Why is she wearing a hoodie from some random college with her make-up looking so gorgeous? Then I realize that I'm not starting mess with a woman...IT'S A MAN!!!!!!!!!!! I come to this realization JUST in time! She looks and my friend and I with the crazy eye and then she proceeds to PUNCH US BOTH IN THE FACE!!!!!!!

Let me write that again: HOMEGIRL PUNCHED US BOTH in the face at the same time! Well, she punched my hair because I was one step ahead but she clocked my friend. I look at my friend and told her to get to the car. I don't wanna say,"Let's get outta here!! It's a man!" Because you can't call a transvestite out...read the rule book... it's in there. I cross in front of my friend just KNOWING that this guy is right behind me. I don't have power locks so I'm kinda out of luck with the doors. I'm waiting to get snatched back by my hair. I'm soo scared. I unlock my door, hop in (without shutting) and I see out of the corner of my eye my friend get kicked in the thigh and fall to the ground. The only thing I can think: jokes aint gonna help you now!

I run over screaming,"What are you doing?! Stop!" Stop? Really? Is that all I can think of? I'm cracking some funnies inside and now when it really matters all I can think of is STOP!?? Anywho, I run over, snatch my friend up before she gets a foot to the dome and she drops her purse. He picks it up and is like,"What?! What now?! WHAT?! What now?!" My friend is trippin, yelling and screaming. I'm in the middle and I'm like,"We're SORRY!" We're sorry?! Really? Is that all I'm coming up with? He starts taking off his bracelets, rings and seriously I SWEAR he was about to put his hair in a ponytail. I've never really been in a fight before but I knew the signs. He's going off while taking off another piece of jewelry with each word. "You (ring) disrespected (bracelet) me (ring) in (ring) there (bracelet)!" I'm trippin. I'm just waiting to get socked in the face. He throws her purse in the bushes, she's screaming. I have to put my friend in the car because she's so mad. I grab the purse, get in the car and call 911. Why didn't I drive away? So my friend calls a friend, apparently to come down there and help us continue the fight? So I'm like,"Hello?! Ok so this man.." My friend: "A man?" She still didn't know!

He's walking up and down the side of the car, I pull out so that he doesn't kill us and he gets in front of the car and pretends to pull out a gun. My friend screams "Run her over!" Run her over?! Really? See, this is how all the stories on 48 Hours begin..."it was 9pm at the local Starbucks..." not me.

Why did 911 ask us to follow him in our car? Yeah, I did until he started running red lights...so the police come and my friend wants to press charges. Why? A few days later she is looking at some mug shots when she comes across Marco......OMG!!! I get a call from the police department. I call back and I get the voicemail: "Hi this is Detective So and So with the Atlanta Homicide Unit." Did he say homicide?! Naturally, I didn't leave a message. How about the police go to his house and he had FLED in the middle of the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moral of the story: you never know who you're messing with. If you gotta tell a joke that bad, do it at home ;)